I called out from work today because I am sick so I went back to bed. After 3 hours of random, crazy dreams, I woke up with a thought that needs to be talked about. This is so important in the beginning of healing from trauma. The title of this is it simplified. Silence holds us in the feelings of guilt and shame. Question is, why and how do we repair that in order to heal?
For years, I dealt with Anorexia Nervosa(AN) in response to my life. Many resort to AN simply because we feel we have zero control over the world around us. The trauma’s we experience leaves us feeling helpless. I also realized mixed in that, I felt guilt and shame. I felt it because I was hurting myself with the AN and being told so many times that everything was my fault no matter what I did, or didn’t do. I believed all the horrible things being told to me which further fed my sorrow and pain. The AN was an effort to speak to the world my pain because I was unable to express it verbally. This can also be the case for drug addicts, alcoholics, and cutters as examples. I somehow thought others would get it. They would see I’m hurting and put the pieces together. I will save you years of personal torment and spoil the ending. I can attest to the fact that after almost 25 years, no one “got it.”
I’m guessing from one of my many therapist sessions I was told about silence harboring guilt and shame and that I needed to talk about everything bothering me. That I needed to question the thoughts that beat me up daily as to whether or not they are true. I decided one day, not too long ago, that silence was not going to be my friend anymore.
I decided one day I would start diving into my subconscious and begin questioning all the horrible things I told myself. To begin to talk about the trauma’s I have experienced over the years from the death of my 3 year old son, domestic violence, dealing with a narcissistic alcoholic, and rape. I attached shame and guilt to all these things and it kept me sick. Kept me in a state of hating myself, believing I was a horrible person, and resulted in poor choices. When I realized none of these things were my fault, that I am a good person that can offer my heart to those in need, I began to slowly open up. The AN was the first to go. I can say that today, I am 100% recovered. I don’t deal with the depression anymore and the anxiety, well, it pops in from time to time but I have a bag of tricks to squash it. The C-PTSD from all the years of mental and physical abuse, that is taking some time and that’s OK. I have to stand by my healthy boundaries and have been researching about the correlation between deep meditation and repairing the broken aspects of my brain waves. That’s a whole other topic. Bottom line to this, there is hope!
I started to wonder lately, do I talk too much about my personal life? Everyone around me doesn’t share in depth the things they go through in general. I mean, I have random people feel the need to unload their problems on me because it’s the empath side of me. But day to day, I will say things and then wonder, should I have divulged that? I started questioning myself and doing the whole comparison thing. And then it hit me. The side of me that almost stole my life was trying to creep in. Or maybe the Universe is trying to test my commitment. I speak the truth of my life because silence holds guilt and shame and in turn, makes you sick and very low vibrational. It goes against everything I have fought for the past 3 years to regain my life. Maybe I am guided to spill my guts because the person needed to hear it. Or maybe, I needed to say it.
If you stop and realize that hurting yourself will not send out a destress signal to others. And that keeping all your hurt and pain deep inside causing you grief, guilt, and shame will not accomplish anything other than hurting you, then you can start your journey to wellness. Here are some bullet points to keep in mind. Write them out and refer back if needed.
- I am worthy of love and respect.
- Others actions to me or against me are a reflection of them, not me.
- I cannot control all aspects of life. I make the commitment to let go and take them as life lessons and move on.
- I will not stay silent about my pain and understand there is nothing to feel guilty or shameful about while processing trauma or poor choices I’ve made.
- Life doesn’t happen TO me, it happens FOR me. Life gives lessons whether good, bad, or indifferent. We do not stay there. We process it and move on.
- I will create a list of all my wonderful qualities and will not let the opinions of others interfere with it. Others opinions are none of my business.
- I will begin to question the validity of the statements I tell myself. Are they true? When you are telling yourself you’re stupid, nothing good will come to me, I deserve everything I get. Well, I stand here to tell you, those are lies!
Now Understand, as I’ve said many times, changing your life means making changes. These changes consists of replacing your harmful, subconscious thoughts, setting up healthy boundaries of how you will be treated and stick by them. Maybe it is rethinking the people in your life because your circle of friends will reflect who you become. Don’t be ashamed of shaking that tree and letting bad apples fall. Change your normal. This means changing your routine because once you start working on yourself, the real you will start to emerge and you won’t know what to do with that. It’s OK. Just keep moving with it! A whole new world will start to open up for you. I promise! And it will begin with you taking the steps to getting real with yourself. Opening up. Stop harboring shame and guilt for things in the past. Hurting yourself will only do just that, hurting a wonderful spirit living a human life.
Now get out there and shake your tree!