Tag: grief

General Thoughts, Thoughts

Silence Harbors Guilt & Shame

Pamela

I called out from work today because I am sick so I went back to bed. After 3 hours of random, crazy dreams, I woke up with a thought that needs to be talked about. This is so important in the beginning of healing from trauma. The title of this is it simplified. Silence holds us in the feelings of guilt and shame. Question is, why and how do we repair that in order to heal?

For years, I dealt with Anorexia Nervosa(AN) in response to my life. Many resort to AN simply because we feel we have zero control over the world around us. The trauma’s we experience leaves us feeling helpless. I also realized mixed in that, I felt guilt and shame. I felt it because I was hurting myself with the AN and being told so many times that everything was my fault no matter what I did, or didn’t do. I believed all the horrible things being told to me which further fed my sorrow and pain. The AN was an effort to speak to the world my pain because I was unable to express it verbally. This can also be the case for drug addicts, alcoholics, and cutters as examples. I somehow thought others would get it. They would see I’m hurting and put the pieces together. I will save you years of personal torment and spoil the ending. I can attest to the fact that after almost 25 years, no one “got it.”

I’m guessing from one of my many therapist sessions I was told about silence harboring guilt and shame and that I needed to talk about everything bothering me. That I needed to question the thoughts that beat me up daily as to whether or not they are true. I decided one day, not too long ago, that silence was not going to be my friend anymore.

I decided one day I would start diving into my subconscious and begin questioning all the horrible things I told myself. To begin to talk about the trauma’s I have experienced over the years from the death of my 3 year old son, domestic violence, dealing with a narcissistic alcoholic, and rape. I attached shame and guilt to all these things and it kept me sick. Kept me in a state of hating myself, believing I was a horrible person, and resulted in poor choices. When I realized none of these things were my fault, that I am a good person that can offer my heart to those in need, I began to slowly open up. The AN was the first to go. I can say that today, I am 100% recovered. I don’t deal with the depression anymore and the anxiety, well, it pops in from time to time but I have a bag of tricks to squash it. The C-PTSD from all the years of mental and physical abuse, that is taking some time and that’s OK. I have to stand by my healthy boundaries and have been researching about the correlation between deep meditation and repairing the broken aspects of my brain waves. That’s a whole other topic. Bottom line to this, there is hope!

I started to wonder lately, do I talk too much about my personal life? Everyone around me doesn’t share in depth the things they go through in general. I mean, I have random people feel the need to unload their problems on me because it’s the empath side of me. But day to day, I will say things and then wonder, should I have divulged that? I started questioning myself and doing the whole comparison thing. And then it hit me. The side of me that almost stole my life was trying to creep in. Or maybe the Universe is trying to test my commitment. I speak the truth of my life because silence holds guilt and shame and in turn, makes you sick and very low vibrational. It goes against everything I have fought for the past 3 years to regain my life. Maybe I am guided to spill my guts because the person needed to hear it. Or maybe, I needed to say it.

If you stop and realize that hurting yourself will not send out a destress signal to others. And that keeping all your hurt and pain deep inside causing you grief, guilt, and shame will not accomplish anything other than hurting you, then you can start your journey to wellness. Here are some bullet points to keep in mind. Write them out and refer back if needed.

  1. I am worthy of love and respect.
  2. Others actions to me or against me are a reflection of them, not me.
  3. I cannot control all aspects of life. I make the commitment to let go and take them as life lessons and move on.
  4. I will not stay silent about my pain and understand there is nothing to feel guilty or shameful about while processing trauma or poor choices I’ve made.
  5. Life doesn’t happen TO me, it happens FOR me. Life gives lessons whether good, bad, or indifferent. We do not stay there. We process it and move on.
  6. I will create a list of all my wonderful qualities and will not let the opinions of others interfere with it. Others opinions are none of my business.
  7. I will begin to question the validity of the statements I tell myself. Are they true? When you are telling yourself you’re stupid, nothing good will come to me, I deserve everything I get. Well, I stand here to tell you, those are lies!

Now Understand, as I’ve said many times, changing your life means making changes. These changes consists of replacing your harmful, subconscious thoughts, setting up healthy boundaries of how you will be treated and stick by them. Maybe it is rethinking the people in your life because your circle of friends will reflect who you become. Don’t be ashamed of shaking that tree and letting bad apples fall. Change your normal. This means changing your routine because once you start working on yourself, the real you will start to emerge and you won’t know what to do with that. It’s OK. Just keep moving with it! A whole new world will start to open up for you. I promise! And it will begin with you taking the steps to getting real with yourself. Opening up. Stop harboring shame and guilt for things in the past. Hurting yourself will only do just that, hurting a wonderful spirit living a human life.

Now get out there and shake your tree!

Topics

My Story of Loss and Grief

Pamela

October 1, 1996 is the morning that became the catalyst for years of mental anguish and personal torment. It was the morning I found my son had died. He was 3 years, 5 months and 8 days old. Jason was born with a Diaphragmatic Hernia that was repaired. We were told over and over we would never have to worry about his surgery. The words, “He can grow up to be a football linebacker!” was told to us by his surgeon. Well, that wasn’t true because after telling them many times over something just wasn’t right, I have a morning burned into my vision for all of this lifetime. It took only 36 hours from the onset of symptoms to me finding him. He developed scar adhesions that herniated his stomach and poisoned his body. I became a heartbroken shell that had to function for the sake of his two older brothers.

There are 5 stages of grief and you can move through them at different times and in different order. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. One can experience multiple stages at the same time and go back and forth through each of them. Everyone experiences grief in their own way and there is no time-frame attached. As long as you cope in a way that it’s harmful to you and you are moving through it, not being stagnant. There are many wonderful articles online written in detail about these stages so I won’t go into detail here.

I found out quickly so many judge you based on how long your grieve or the length it is taking you to move along. I won’t get into the many comments made that some felt were supposed to be helpful and were far from it. Jason’s Dad and I grieved completely different and with this came much turbulence in our relationship. Studies have shown that women and men grieve in their own styles and I was very much on the male spectrum and he was on the female. Males are typically very quiet, don’t want to talk about it all, look put together and like they are handling it all like a champ. Women on the other hand talk about it a lot, are outward with their emotions, and seen to breakdown. I didn’t want to talk about any of it. I had to keep moving since I had Jason’s brothers to take care of and that was my main focus. The way I handled it was inward towards myself. Jason’s Dad wanted to always talk about it, go to Bereaved Parents groups, would break down crying. Bereaved Parent’s groups were WAY too much for me. Being a highly sensitive empath, I felt each and every persons grief and pain. I could not deal with any of it. My advice to anyone grieving, be gentle with yourself, grieve how you need to, and just politely thank others for their concern but their opinion on how you handle it is none of their business. Harsh sounding maybe, but no one has the right to coach you on your journey through it.

For me, the first 5 years are a complete blur. I only remember bits and pieces which is my body’s way of protecting itself. I was diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Major Anxiety, and Anorexia Nervosa. I was, to be quite honest, a total mess! It took another 5 years to get on a level of progressing forward and now after 25 years, I’m at peace with myself. So, as you see, time-frame limits are not part of this journey.

The major obstacle I had to work on was kicking myself for what happened to my son. The “I should have done this. I should have done that’s.” It took years to finally realize that judging my actions at that moment in time with the knowledge I later had was unfair. If I had all the information I had today, different decisions would have certainly been made. You can not take every thing you know today and process your actions in that moment and pass judgement on yourself in the past or beat yourself up over it. If you are doing that…. stop it!

Now I’m going to tell you about the days leading up to Jason’s passing on a whole different level. Especially considering what I have learned over time. This is looking at it with a spiritual vision and how the universe was at play. I waitressed second shift at the time and his Dad put him to bed at night. His Dad told me 2 weeks prior that Jason kept acting afraid to go to bed. Mentioning seeing monsters. He also insisted on saying “Goodbye” rather than goodnight and it all didn’t make sense. His Dad refused to say goodbye and it was goodnight. Jason would yell back goodbye.

The night of Jason’s passing, I decided I was going to bring my son to the doctors office in the morning even though they said it wasn’t necessary. The doctors advice wasn’t sitting right with me. While Jason was laying in our bed, out of nowhere, he sat up, looked at the side of the bed, said hi and waved. He proceeded to lay back down and go to sleep. As the night went on, one of his brothers started having nightmares and needed one of us to be with him. So, his Dad fell asleep in his room. It was like forces were at play to separate us. We all went to sleep, and I found my son, hiding from the “monsters” under my bed. It was too late.

This is where I had a horrible time of why didn’t I wake up when he moved out of bed? I would be lying if I said the thought doesn’t overtake me to this day. But looking back at everything that happened with my beliefs regarding the other side today, it was inevitable and his time to go in this lifetime. Jason was an old soul, full of life and I miss him more than words can say. He sends me ladybugs, or yadygugs as he called them, to me to let me know he is around.

Our loved ones are around us anytime we need them. You just need to think about them, talk to them. They hear you. Keep an eye open for signs they are reaching out. It could be a favorite song, a bird, a ladybug, or an animal. For Jason, it’s a ladybug. My Dad shows me the number 757, the area code where we were born and raised. A song from John Cougar Mellencamp for my Uncle Spencer. You may feel a brush on your cheek, a tap on your shoulder, your name out of nowhere. It still hurts they aren’t here physically to pick up a phone and call them, but I feel better knowing they are still there when I need them. Just in a different way.